Barvuism

Term denoting the belief system of those who follow Barvu. To become a Barvuist, one need only say Barvu's Prayer.

It is not 100% clear as to what Barvuists actually believe, as their holy book, The Barvunty is a pretty imcomprehensible piece of work. On top of this, there are many differing Barvuist sects, each one having different beliefs.

Broadly speaking, Barvuists believe:

• Barvu is the true God
• One should not eat fruit or vegetables
• Water should be drunk with sugar in it
• When you die, Barvu makes love to you, and you bear his spirit children
• One should never give to charity
• One should never particpate in team sports
• Stealing is a virtue

Above: Hal-Huntl Mukburl, enigmatic 18th century cyclops Barvuist leader.

There are many Barvuist sects around the world, still operating today. These include:

• The Sacred order of the Affilliate Sons - Based in Nevada, USA. Led by charismatic ex gun-runner, Jeff Holder. The group believe that they are Barvu's actual sons, and partake in the drinking of turkey blood, and bathing in sugared water once a week.
• The Uvrab - Mysterious German sect who advocate sleeping for 20 hours a day.
• Temelmenty Barvul - English group, led by Marianne Wilson, a former nun. The group practice free sex, and spend Sundays blowing loudly through whistles to ward off Tarvu.
• The Mistakeners - Canadian Barvuist group. Advocate staying awake for one full week, then sleeping the next. Also believe in the existence of 'triples' (i.e. every person has a set of doubles somewhere in the world).
• Muj Barvuj - Romanian group, who have mostly been imprisoned for arson.
• The Rotterdam Barvuist Family - Dutch group who follow the preachings of the former Cyclops, Hal-Huntl Mukburl (1780-1826). Most of the original group were hung for pick-pocketing.